[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
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Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Godspeed, John Glenn
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
🤣🤣
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask