[hiding in the bushes]

Me:*whispering*they can’t see me

Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.

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It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”


Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.


Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.


I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.


Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.


My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.


You call it nervousness or having the jitters. I call it, I think my body was possessed by a meth addict in detox.



hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are


I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”



Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree