“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
me logging onto twitter
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.