@JKickinit30

[hiding in the bushes]

Me:*whispering*they can’t see me

Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.

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@daemonic3

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

@itcudvbeenworse

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

@bobvulfov

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

@Jandalize

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.

Then walk into a pole.

@hpb777

Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

@robfee

House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.

@Fred_Delicious

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

@ItalianBratikus

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

@thenatewolf

God’s Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse’s body? I think you’re just in a bad mood.

God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING

@TheGayFlash

I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.