Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[hiding in the bushes]
Me:*whispering*they can’t see me
Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.
Then walk into a pole.
Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?
Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-
Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
God’s Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse’s body? I think you’re just in a bad mood.
God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING
I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.