[hiding in the bushes]

Me:*whispering*they can’t see me

Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.

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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?


My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time


DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool


I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.

Then walk into a pole.


Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.


House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.


[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]


White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.


God’s Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse’s body? I think you’re just in a bad mood.



I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.