@JKickinit30

[hiding in the bushes]

Me:*whispering*they can’t see me

Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.

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@NikiWithIssues

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

@UncleDuke1969

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

@msgwenl

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

@supermarkusa

I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.

@BuckyIsotope

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

@Book_Krazy

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

@SexySillyGrl

You call it nervousness or having the jitters. I call it, I think my body was possessed by a meth addict in detox.

Samesies?

@fro_vo

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

@BillFienberg

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

@Be___Dope

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree