[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

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I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want…


i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won


“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what


I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy


ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.


No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower


[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot


My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.


One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”