[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

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ratatouille this and ratatouille that what about some respect for my friggin girlies


Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.


Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.


[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!


We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?


Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.


just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping


Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.


The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.


ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?