@lizetagge I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want…
@FrazzleMyGimp [hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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@lizetagge 
@wolfpupy i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
@InternetHippo “The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
@AnkCoupleTO I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
@blade_funner ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
@Phook75 No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower
@Lisabug74 Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
@FrazzleMyGimp [family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
@Donna_McCoy My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
@Tw1tter_K1tten One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”