[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Put the is in disheveled
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.