@FrazzleMyGimp

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

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@saggiesplinters

ratatouille this and ratatouille that what about some respect for my friggin girlies

@CalmTomb

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

@kivtur

Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

@LostFelicia

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

@futwolfhardware

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

@VerifiedDrunk

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

@DanMentos

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

@badbanana

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

@bloodysurgeon1

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

@StoneAgeRadio13

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?