[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
A game married people play.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on