High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Every photo I’m tagged in
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
FINE, I WON’T.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.