high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.