Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
*steals your snacks, runs away
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
I don’t wanna look silly
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.
– Day 1 of gluten free diet:
I feel like a new person and I love my life.
– Day 2:
I have eaten the neighbors bird and joined ISIS.
Her: what’s your favorite thing about our date tonight?
Me: that it’s almost over
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.