‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
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*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.