@occupied_stall

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

@AnitaHelmet

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

@murrman5

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

@bigmacher

Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.

#IfYourMomWroteYourTwitterBio

@CelebrityChez

– Day 1 of gluten free diet:
I feel like a new person and I love my life.
– Day 2:
I have eaten the neighbors bird and joined ISIS.

@Crunk_Jews

Her: what’s your favorite thing about our date tonight?

Me: that it’s almost over

@Ristolable

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.