‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
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If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
When you let grandma cat sit
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I love the National Park Service.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.