Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…
…and everything seems to be in order here.
*falls down/passes out*
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.