@TabooBooSF

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

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@MarfSalvador

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

@shkeeber

I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…

…and everything seems to be in order here.

*falls down/passes out*

@Bexdora

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

@bingowings14

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

@zachreinert03

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

@sarabellab123

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

@Death_Buddy

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

@DirtMcTurd

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

@KevinBuffalo

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.