*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*