My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
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Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Yes, this is exactly right
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My blood type is coffee.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”