High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
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You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear