High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
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I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby