*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
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break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
lmfao come on
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles