*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

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What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?


Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”


The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.


Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!


idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]


What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller


If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.


Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.