What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
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I put my pants on just like everyone else: reluctantly.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not