Searching for that special woman to share my interest in candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and losing my shit over inanimate objects
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
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Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!