i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
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I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”