Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.