*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*