[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Seals are just dog mermaids.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO