[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet