[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
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I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.