[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
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Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I forgot how to panic. Help
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.