@jazz_inmypants

[high school reunion]

girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?

me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff

girl: oh i–

me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye

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@aparnapkin

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

@Cpin42

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

@iamspacegirl

vampire: let me bite you

me: no!

vampire: it will be fun

me: *running away*

vampire: wait, stop! my fangs magically change color when I sip through them!

me: *noticeably slowing down*

@emilyyoshida

People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-Sansa
-Melisandre
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The wind
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library

@ilovepie84

“Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable”

-Optimistic Prime.

@iLikeCatShirts

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

@chudneyspears

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

@SocialustGal13

Nice eyebrows girlfriend. I didn’t know they made Sharpies in that color.