I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[high school reunion]
girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?
me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff
girl: oh i–
me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye
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Lmao the reply
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
vampire: let me bite you
vampire: it will be fun
me: *running away*
vampire: wait, stop! my fangs magically change color when I sip through them!
me: *noticeably slowing down*
People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library
“Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Nice eyebrows girlfriend. I didn’t know they made Sharpies in that color.