[high school reunion]

girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?

me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff

girl: oh i–

me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye

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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.


me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters


vampire: let me bite you

me: no!

vampire: it will be fun

me: *running away*

vampire: wait, stop! my fangs magically change color when I sip through them!

me: *noticeably slowing down*


People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The wind
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library


“Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable”

-Optimistic Prime.


Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”


I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.


Nice eyebrows girlfriend. I didn’t know they made Sharpies in that color.