@SteveSuckington

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

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@2tonbug

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

@brandonIee

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

@RichardWiseman

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

@writerPT

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

@highxpectation2

No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

@iMikosnyc

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

@skickwriter

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

@rockymomax

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

@Fickle_Filly

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou