@SteveSuckington

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

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@SeriesCam

if i must be murdered, my one request is that you leave my body propped up in a spinning chair faced away from the door so that whoever finds me will gently tap my shoulder and cause the chair to turn and theatrically reveal my corpse while thunder rolls above

@KimmyMonte

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

@frenchielaboozi

seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s

@OfficeofSteve

Apes stopped waving at us ever since they found out we evolved from them

@venmo4feet

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

@behindyourback

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

@Tbone7219

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear

@Gooooats

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.