[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Have kids, they said
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.