[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
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Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Awesome parenting 😂
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”