[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.