[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
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So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Brb my Sims are getting married
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture