Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
client: i’m nervous
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
attorney: you said you were innocent
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.