[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

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me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO


[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?


Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.


me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals


I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.


Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!


me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus


doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves


GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-