me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
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Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!