[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
twitter users today:
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About