@Rollinintheseat

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

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@BuckyIsotope

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

@JesKeepSwimming

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

@Ideal_Victoria

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

@terio1429

Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
-Hash Tag

@SarcasticAlly12

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

@OllyiConic

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

@kimtopher22

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

@InternetHippo

With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off

@SkinnieTalls

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.