[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.


[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children


Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.


It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.


Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
-Hash Tag


Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.


client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent


“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.


With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off


Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.