@Rollinintheseat

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

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@Cpin42

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

@Fickle_Filly

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

@shwebby3

She said she wanted to see other people

So I bought a disguise

@AliasEleanor

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

@JermHimselfish

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

@jammiiepants

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

@markhoppus

DON’T TELL ME CAGE CAN’T BE THE ELEPHANT’S NAME BECAUSE THERE’S NO COMMA WHEN THERE’S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!