If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
She said she wanted to see other people
So I bought a disguise
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
DON’T TELL ME CAGE CAN’T BE THE ELEPHANT’S NAME BECAUSE THERE’S NO COMMA WHEN THERE’S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!