The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
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wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’