High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom