@BadMikeyBad

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

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@KevinFarzad

Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That’s why the other countries are winning.

@murrman5

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

@JasonLastname

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

@DrakeGatsby

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

@IvoryGazelle

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

@jellybnbonanza

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

@AlisonChrista

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

@carlyken

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.