High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
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Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach