High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.


My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though


My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.


*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*


Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese


her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas


The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”


I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.


I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.


I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”