@TuSoonShakur

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

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@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

@P1ssed_K1d

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

@iamspacegirl

My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.

@Marlebean

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

@serhawke

Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese

@Skoog

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

@OneFunnyMummy

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

@MomOnFire

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

@heidi420x

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

@blakeshelton

I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”