High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

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Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.


I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.


Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you please move it out of the laundry room? I’ve had enough.


Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.


[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly


my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized


911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead


If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.


Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.


[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.