High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
You Might Also Like
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
The Sun’s probably Asian.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Ferrari squats
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.