@TuSoonShakur

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

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@ThePocketJustin

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

@RickAaron

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

@Divergentmama

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you please move it out of the laundry room? I’ve had enough.

@MrC2daG

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

@AbbieEvansXO

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

@mrsburtmacklin

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

@Snarfernini

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead

@thatUPSdude

If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.

@usermcuserface

Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.

@velvettusk

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.