High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

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I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”


[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman




bruce wayne: wait shit no


You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?


Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”


You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.


Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!




Me: Shit.


Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?


I don’t care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I’m using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom’s a who


{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better


Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.