high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I’ll be mad as hell!
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”