[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

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[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”


Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”


Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate


Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with “If you’re reading this, I’m already dead.”


*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?


When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”


Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.


What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower


No I don’t think you’re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking