[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
You Might Also Like
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.