[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
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Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
oh u like history? name everything that happened