@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

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@Thrill_Tweeter

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

@iamkaamchor

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

@juliussharpe

I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.

@Fred_Delicious

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

@ThugRaccoons

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

@ThisHotGarbage

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

@PaulyPeligroso

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

@Donna_McCoy

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

@lovemydogduck

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.