@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

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@daemonic3

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

@Chumpstring

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

@ImSoFrancis

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

@CheryeDavis

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

@JasonLight73

At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station

@anerdonfire2

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

@hotsoccerchic69

Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people