Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
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Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.