[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
You Might Also Like
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My current situation
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket