[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
got so much cardio in today
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME