Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
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What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
getting corrected
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
😏😏😏
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”