[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…