Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
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Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*
Wife: OH MY GOD
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but… It’s not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc