Advertisers think we’re like “Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it’s selling!”
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
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Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Cause of Death: Dropped full can of soda on baby toe.
if i were a dinosaur id be a chicken nugget