@KalvinMacleod

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

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@kumailn

Advertisers think we’re like “Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it’s selling!”

@clindsaysway

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

@Lisabug74

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

@kyle_thatisall

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

@pixelatedboat

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

@Parker_Simpson

When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ

@Birdhumms

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.