[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*