#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.