I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
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Had an epiphany today.
When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!
Someone call 911!
Ate a vegetable about 5 hours ago…Still no abs.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Ladies, if he’s:
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.