[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

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ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.

– Me as a Gynaecologist


*sees gf upset*

Me: she looks mad, I should say something

Brain: lol tell her she’s overreacting

Me: ok


[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”


“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing


My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.


Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.


Him: Fishing


Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.


Husband is upset I ate the last of the chicken. Can I help it if he didn’t see it enclosed in foil wrap, sealed inside Tupperware, and tucked behind the eggs on the bottom shelf?

It was right in front of him.


This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.


[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”


I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids