[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Erm…
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.