@envydatropic

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

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@ChrisThayerSays

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

@ClichedOut

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

@iwearaonesie

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

@ScottLinnen

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

@clichedout

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

@WayneL_Jr

That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.

@rsf788

Scrolling Twitter in church this morning so you guys keep it clean for the next hour.

@Try2StopME

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

@doublewenis

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.