I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
me: the outer layer of a tree
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife *lets her in*
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
me: dogs have 4 legs
me: so do tables
me: so dogs are tables
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.
Scrolling Twitter in church this morning so you guys keep it clean for the next hour.
Me: Who is it?
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Me: Talk to each other.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.