Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
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Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
#math
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman