Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner