@aimlessamers

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

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@str8outaCompUSA

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

@serendipitydon1

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

@WilliamAder

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

@TheBeerGuy_

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

@ThePocketJustin

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

@Keys_ToMe

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

@ThugRaccoons

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

@murrman5

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

@TVsCarlKinsella

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers