Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.


Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”


Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.


I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.


Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop


I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.


Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.


The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.


Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to