@aimlessamers

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

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@ipalatsky

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

@bridger_w

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

@TheBoydP

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

@newstart43

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

@CatsVsHumanity

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

@VaguelyFunnyDan

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

@ThRealBallsDeep

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

@PaulGibson1963

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

@mrs_campfire

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to