Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
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Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“You have nice eyes”
– she’s probably heard it a million times
“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers