I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
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My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
This raises questions
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
🤣🤣🤣
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.