Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.
Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?
Detective: literally crumbs
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
doctor: you need to eat healthy
doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died
me: oh my goodness
doctor: in a plane crash
me: that sounds unrelated
doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes