Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
This makes total sense…
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.