@Smooheed

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

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@TankCesar

Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.

@UnFitz

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

@eliserose5

I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.

@thenatewolf

Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?

Detective: literally crumbs

@iwearaonesie

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

@mrtruthandsoul

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

@Dustinkcouch

doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes