@DrakeGatsby

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

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@jonnysun

deviled eggs implies the existence of holy, Godded eggs

@JohnMayer

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

@theNuzzy

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

@aka_fatman

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

@hippieswordfish

*newspaper headline*
BIDEN’S EMAIL HACKED
-‘it was easy’ the hackers said ‘his password was ‘password’

@kingsleyyy

Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?

@SortaBad

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

@LittleMissAngr1

I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I’m not ready to order my own murder.