[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
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‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids