Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

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deviled eggs implies the existence of holy, Godded eggs


Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.


I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.


*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!


*newspaper headline*
-‘it was easy’ the hackers said ‘his password was ‘password’


Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?


“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed


I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I’m not ready to order my own murder.