@ShortSleeveSuit

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

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@JXESAID

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

@noitsgary

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

@theblowout

my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there

@Supafunkadunka

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

@SardonicTart

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

@CelebrityChez

How to make pasta:
-Boil water.
-Put what you think couldn’t possibly be too much pasta in the pot.
-Wrong.
-Start an Italian restaurant.

@lilpwoppa

Just seen a woman in town with lipgloss so sticky she had 16 flies attached to her mouth.

@clindsaysway

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

@EliTerry

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.