[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
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If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.