ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

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my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is


[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo


my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there


If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.


Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.


How to make pasta:
-Boil water.
-Put what you think couldn’t possibly be too much pasta in the pot.
-Start an Italian restaurant.


Just seen a woman in town with lipgloss so sticky she had 16 flies attached to her mouth.


If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.


“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.