@ibid78
If you watch the Game of Thrones backwards a family overcomes near death experiences to reunite happily in a castle (plus dragons shrink).
@TuSoonShakur
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
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@ibid78
@DowntimeDad
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
@daemonic3
[sperm bank]
clinician: any questions before becoming a potential donor?
me: yes, why is it called a “sperm donation” and not a “payload”
clinician: *writing notes* ok so you are definitely dad material
@theNuzzy
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
@Darlainky
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
@SirEviscerate
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
@thedad
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
@_troyjohnson
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
@fastmofobanshee
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
@DropDeadJud
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?