HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
You Might Also Like
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.