@TuSoonShakur

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

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@daemonic3

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

@3sunzzz

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

@The_KJM

I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can’t tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.

@FunnyMojoJojo

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

@EndhooS

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

@LOLGOP

God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.

@daemonic3

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

@reallifemommy3

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!