@TuSoonShakur

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

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@ibid78

If you watch the Game of Thrones backwards a family overcomes near death experiences to reunite happily in a castle (plus dragons shrink).

@daemonic3

[sperm bank]

clinician: any questions before becoming a potential donor?

me: yes, why is it called a “sperm donation” and not a “payload”

clinician: *writing notes* ok so you are definitely dad material

@theNuzzy

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

@Darlainky

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

@SirEviscerate

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

@thedad

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

@_troyjohnson

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

@DropDeadJud

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?