your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
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I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.
HER: What position do u play?
ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
ME: You guys are here, right?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Me- mom stop you are never funny. You never make joke.
Mom- I made you